Rants

Below is a post I wrote some time ago but never published. I am a rational human being but the sentiments are the same - I am still feeling all rubbish for failing at something and generally having a bad time - there the guilt of a Catholic girl; why do we always blame our moral upbringings (very useful for when you have kids, not so good for when you develop a complex)?. I am still all wounded and it doesn't help that everytime I enter his 'territory' I feel sick to the pit of my stomach with worry and rejection. I think he talks about me, makes dispersions about me as a person, how I was immature, too much like a little girl, too young, I meant nothing...you know usual oh-god-it's all-gone-wrong-and-I-really-am-that-bad stuff.I know rationally that he just isn't thinking about it and probably, it's just a straightforward he-hates-my-guts scenario. It always amazes me how people who cared and laugh together end up getting all snarly with each other and pretty bloody grumpy. Well, as the legend of Pandora's box notes, out of the box after all the bad things, came a small object that was all shiny and glowed with light; that was hope. Now where is the world if we don't have that (ethical save the planet head is on)? One day I hope we will be nice to each other again.So to my ex - I have tried to make the peace , hope is there and the door is open. Rock on up. By the way, I deleted all your numbers, it's a coping thing...

Here's the ranty bit (you have been warned):
Now I do like a little rant. Always one to let of steam and get grouchy, I do like a grumble - who doesn't? But sometimes, well, things just eat at you and they stop you getting on with things.

Now I have had a day of two halfs. It was all terribly exciting as I am getting involved in an event for work, which in all liklihood could be doomed for failure as it's all been a bit last minute by the organisers but hey at least they are trying. So I got to chat about events and realise that I do have a passion at last and then I got to see some old friends and catch up. Great half.

However, the other half was seeing the top of the ex's head and hearing his voice. He picked up the phone when I called to speak to my friend. No how are you's, tentative hellos or anything. Personally, I suspect he wishes I was on another planet. Yes, I still hurt - guilty as charged. However, at least I sent a text offering a cuppa - a wobbly wave of the peace flag but at least it was a wobble. No reply. Worst fears confirmed - I am a horrid person, but why do I set so much store in what he thinks? Now he ( well ok, the situation) has been making me cranky and miserable for ages as we have had a falling out. I got a bit funny at Christmas time and it all went into overdrive and we were being reactionary to each other. Simply; we don't communicate any more. You can take the relationship stuff but what's really sad is the natural click we had as friends and then the terrible things we thought and said about or to, each other. I love my boyfriend very much and I know that he loves me, that's not the quibble and I have no intention of buggering off just yet.

It's the self loathing and shame I feel about myself. Knowing that I got all het up and angry about something that I know, I had no power to change.All my pride and competitive bits are shining through; I feel mean and wounded all at once, and I feel quite ashamed and very sad that I have lost a friend that I made when I first returned to Norfolk and sometimes I think I am quite bonkers but I suspect that we all go there at some time or another. A bit like a rottweiler with a bone....unable to let go and all grouchy.