....and another thing (aka me and hopeless are twins)

.....as I was saying in Rants, it is all bit bad when two people get really angry and horrid with each other because there is so much feeling abound. I will never understand why I could love him and he could never love me, even though he wanted me to stay. He had no idea how hurt I was and I had no idea that he was more screwed up than I was. I wanted love and I wasn't looking for it but thought I had it - if that makes sense.

We used to have some marvellous times, larking about, eating out (food was a big thing) and I loved (and I mean LOVED) buying wacky presents for him.

He thought I was upset about his new girlfriend (well I was, but not to be sad enough to try and split them up, I seem to recall his ex doing that to us). It makes me angry though that he finally has respect for this new person, won't let her get upset, walks tall and proud with her, but hid me and appeared to have no respect for me. He doesn't get it but I needed to tell him how I felt and all the hurt and anxiety that had been bubbling away inside me for months whilst we were together, but wasn't allowed to tell in case I upset someone. His new relationship was a catalyst for this. Finally, the time when I try to tell someone how I feel and I lose them and they hate me. Do I really deserve that?

Sometimes there are points in a relationship when you know things and there are points when you ignore whats being said as you are too thrilled to be with that person. I hated being vulnerable every day and not knowing when my heart was going to break, or when i'd be stuffed in a cupboard to spare everyone else's feelings but mine. That's no fun.

I know! I chew everyone's ear off and they all think I am daft to feel so sad over it all as he's older and I have a more certain future now (alright, maybe I am) but hey, you got feeling, then you got soul! I mean, I finished it but I never thought I would say it was because I loved someone, which I did. Now I am a bunny boiler (according to him). And how can he work from a base where I am worse than the last one? If only you knew what she did! I am not even halfway there.

I was thinking last night - maybe it is me - there was my friend at UNI - I finished with him and then all my friends hated me, then there was the long termer at UNI - he went to another country (was I THAT bad?) and then there was him - not what I planned, hell I wanted to live in China after the last one (I really did),and now I have friends (?) who find it awkward to associate with me.

Will we ever speak? Will he ever speak to me again or think 'hmm. that was a nice chat/meal/time that we had'?

AM I REALLY THAT BAD?