Rants

Below is a post I wrote some time ago but never published. I am a rational human being but the sentiments are the same - I am still feeling all rubbish for failing at something and generally having a bad time - there the guilt of a Catholic girl; why do we always blame our moral upbringings (very useful for when you have kids, not so good for when you develop a complex)?. I am still all wounded and it doesn't help that everytime I enter his 'territory' I feel sick to the pit of my stomach with worry and rejection. I think he talks about me, makes dispersions about me as a person, how I was immature, too much like a little girl, too young, I meant nothing...you know usual oh-god-it's all-gone-wrong-and-I-really-am-that-bad stuff.I know rationally that he just isn't thinking about it and probably, it's just a straightforward he-hates-my-guts scenario. It always amazes me how people who cared and laugh together end up getting all snarly with each other and pretty bloody grumpy. Well, as the legend of Pandora's box notes, out of the box after all the bad things, came a small object that was all shiny and glowed with light; that was hope. Now where is the world if we don't have that (ethical save the planet head is on)? One day I hope we will be nice to each other again.So to my ex - I have tried to make the peace , hope is there and the door is open. Rock on up. By the way, I deleted all your numbers, it's a coping thing...

Here's the ranty bit (you have been warned):
Now I do like a little rant. Always one to let of steam and get grouchy, I do like a grumble - who doesn't? But sometimes, well, things just eat at you and they stop you getting on with things.

Now I have had a day of two halfs. It was all terribly exciting as I am getting involved in an event for work, which in all liklihood could be doomed for failure as it's all been a bit last minute by the organisers but hey at least they are trying. So I got to chat about events and realise that I do have a passion at last and then I got to see some old friends and catch up. Great half.

However, the other half was seeing the top of the ex's head and hearing his voice. He picked up the phone when I called to speak to my friend. No how are you's, tentative hellos or anything. Personally, I suspect he wishes I was on another planet. Yes, I still hurt - guilty as charged. However, at least I sent a text offering a cuppa - a wobbly wave of the peace flag but at least it was a wobble. No reply. Worst fears confirmed - I am a horrid person, but why do I set so much store in what he thinks? Now he ( well ok, the situation) has been making me cranky and miserable for ages as we have had a falling out. I got a bit funny at Christmas time and it all went into overdrive and we were being reactionary to each other. Simply; we don't communicate any more. You can take the relationship stuff but what's really sad is the natural click we had as friends and then the terrible things we thought and said about or to, each other. I love my boyfriend very much and I know that he loves me, that's not the quibble and I have no intention of buggering off just yet.

It's the self loathing and shame I feel about myself. Knowing that I got all het up and angry about something that I know, I had no power to change.All my pride and competitive bits are shining through; I feel mean and wounded all at once, and I feel quite ashamed and very sad that I have lost a friend that I made when I first returned to Norfolk and sometimes I think I am quite bonkers but I suspect that we all go there at some time or another. A bit like a rottweiler with a bone....unable to let go and all grouchy.

Book Habit

It's always the way; you go to your fave book site and end up ordering stuff that you really only lusted over and then you feel terribly guilty as all your rainyday money goes down the pan....I raise my hand and admit I have a book habit - one day I'll count them and let you know how many but the cook books alone, I would say, can guestimate in the 300 region. And I always seem to buy them for presents for people!

It's the lure of the bookshops you see. You get sucked in by the gorgeous pile of bargains on display and then you browse away looking for hidden gems that you would hate to pay too much money for in a regular bookshop. Instead you see ones that have dusty covers, elusive first editions, that must have recipe that you promise to cook immediately and finally, you come across the book that you were really looking for. The gasp of pleasure, the furtive look and possessive hand on the shelf as you look for more, the thrill of getting to the till and paying and then the guilt knowing that the bookshelf and the OH may give way at any moment. Nightmares are filled with charity shops being filled with your books and a big skip outside where they all get wet in the rain - I can't bear it!

Somebody once told me that it will never matter how many cookbooks you have, even if there is only one recipe you use, it is worth it. I don't use mine specifically, more adapt from with some disastrous consequences - cest la vie! I keep meaning to cross reference mine, alphabetise, copy recipes and discard, but it never happens. I love my books and the weighty feel of them, splashes of food and dog eared corners mean that they are fondly used (my Auntie said that a well used book is a good book - ie the more you splish and splash it means it is obviously being put to good use). I always say that a good cook book (well, food in general) is porn for the soul. Fabulous, dirty and secret. So naughty and you know you will get in trouble! I used to do a lot of dangerous sport, now I shop for books. It's the thrill of the shelf snapping that I'm weighting for.....

Looking Back ....

Sometime you look back and think 'oh yeah, I remember that'. I do that a lot - I remember sounds and senses, people and places - sometimes living in the past can do that - you think it is all so much better!

I listen to Laura's diary on Radio one in the evenings and I found a few diaries of my own the other day - it's brilliant reading back and remembering all the adventures you have had and how life events were so important to you and, you-centric when you were 17! Do we lose that as we get older? I suppose we do. I have looked back today at some of my past blogs - I rememeber looking out at the sea as I wrote one of them, I remember the strength of my promise to stop buying cook books as I indicated in my first ever entry and I remember the joy of passing my test! Funny what you recall and all the sights, sounds and smells. I often wonder if my friends remember the same things and how! I am also conscious that by having a life online I a more exposed and will always watch what I say and think. >

Bed (S)!

I may be getting a raised bed - hurrah, veggies here I come - something useful and hopefully I won;t end up killing them! Hmmmm, now whwre to put it, Dean has visions of a)not having one, b)have one but I take all responsibility and c) it must be in a corner (nobody put's baby [veg] in a corner - ah Patrick Swayze, what happened?).

Now the problem with the corner is that a) I have a romantic vision of this little corner seat with a gazebo of flowers to cover the drain - it may not happen but it is a dream and b) the corner has a drain - what if it leaks? I know we should be organic but I'm not that keen on being that organic yet!

But what joy, homegrown butternut squashes, courgettes (no marrows please), parsnips, tomatoes and much more - I will be in foodie heaven and my drean of self sustainability will be that much closer....I wonder if I can bribe the OH with more scalextric? Now there 's a thought.

Spring

Spring has finally sprung here in the UK. Admittedly, it's a little dull still and the evenings can be slightly chilly - but oh yes! those few moments of sunshine and warmth when you can don the shades and imagine summer, well, it's heaven on a plate!

And with spring, comes the ideas of a better person - fitter, healthier, more direction....doesn't it always - I inevitably end up wearing trackies around the house professing to be the next Nigella - Dean will tell you that the artistic ability in the kitchen that I claim to have, does not lend itself to be being creatively tidy or non - burning in nature! I feel very under -appreciated!

Anyway, the OH and I decided to be all lovey dovey on Saturday. Dean was very tidily creative and made cakes for my Nan (yum chocolate sponge cakes) and this gorgeous (please attribute that to my lovely cake stands that he hates!) chocolate cake with a lovely creme fraiche and chocolate ganache in the centre, covered in chocolate icing and walnuts - it looked great! Meanwhile, I was using some excellent steaks from the butchers in Wymondham. Hung well and with a great flavour, they were pan fried, shallots added half way through and the steaks left to rest, and then red wine reduction - hmmmmm, very tasty. Meanwhile the carotts were in batons and popped in the oven with lashings of olive oil, herbs and honey. But not a couple to dwell on oily food (I had to use dripping for the roast potatoes though as they were delicious!) we did ensure we had boiled peas. It may not seem classy but it was food for the soul!

Then the rest of the weekend was spent in comfort heaven with bacon sarnies (three rashers, please!) and a huge meal at the OH aunts - the menu was something like this........ homemade chicken liver pate, dips and nibbles, then a smoked salmon,cockles and prawn starter (I'm not fond of fish but tha salmon was ok) followed by beef wellington (quite rare for me but it was nice) and chicken and sausages with lots of veg! Very tasty and then!!!! Rich chocolate cheesecake from the Sainsbury's magazine (will post recipe next time), hollowed out pineapple with strawberries and cream, fruit and birthday cake. Conversation centred around food such as how to smoke it, terrible things that can happen, the egg catastrophe (my horrid attempt at ice cream) and a raised garden bed! Hurrah, I may have one after all....all in all a huge success and now the time has come to convert my chef friend into an avid blogger....that way I get cheeky tips..... watch this space!